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15 September 2009 @ 08:23 pm
Apparently, he told another longstanding DAN activist that he "would have sacked me months ago, but only kept me on because he felt sorry for me". Which means that all my fears of redundancy (see, eg here), which i spent so long managing to convince myself were just paranoia, were true.

I really do fail at existing.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
13 September 2009 @ 11:44 am
I feel like i am living in a nightmare that i can't wake up from. Everything has gone crazy and incomprehensible. Job has broken down completely, employer getting more and more unreasonable, paranoid, aggressive, authoritarian and impossible to work with until late last night he phoned me to supposedly sack me by text message (possibly to pre-empt me quitting). This all apparently over differences in organising an action which he was all for until incredibly recently. Friends suggest taking him to court but i don't think that would be either right or possible.

Physically and mentally, i'm a mess. Not eating properly (ravenously hungry but gagging on food every time i put it in my mouth), not sleeping properly, stomach pain, diarrhea, heart rate going crazy, getting overloaded to the point of meltdown by ridiculously tiny things, struggling with all forms of communication. My flat is filthy and mouldy and i have absolutely no energy to do anything about it, washing up feels like an impossibility, let alone cooking (I have a fridge full of food which is probably going to go off because i don't have the energy to cook it).

Scared shitless to think about my future. Pretty much no chance anyone else is going to be willing to employ me as a PA now (even if i knew anyone who was looking for one), and i'd already given up on every other sort of work after 2 years of unemployment and pretty much no response at all to job applications before being "lucky" enough to get this job. Despite occasional arguments, it was by far the "best" or at least nearest-to-good job i have ever had or even hoped to have. Feel like a complete failure for cocking up something that was about the only close to stable income situation i have ever had, but more to the point, was my only chance of saving up enough money to enable me to do the MA that i've been wanting to do "next year" for... easily the last 5 years.

I was on track to have enough for at least my course fees (if not living costs too) by September 2010, assuming my income stayed the same. Now... no chance. Too old, not disabled enough, and not closely tied enough to a particular area for any trusts to fund me, ESRC don't fund taught MAs, and don't think i have much chance of getting a Leeds MA scholarship (only 15 of them for the whole uni, which is one of the biggest in the UK). And Colin Barnes is threatening to retire in the next couple of years.

I don't know what the fuck else i can do. Really not at all far from complete hopelessness right now.
24 June 2009 @ 12:09 pm
a footless black scythe
wheels, screams freedom to the sky
vanguard of summer
01 June 2009 @ 12:55 pm
This weather should be making me feel really good. Instead, it's giving me wildly dissonant mood swings between the (real, but ultimately superficial) physical/sensory good feeling induced by the weather and huge heaps of frustration and isolation because i feel like i don't have anyone to share it with.

Feeling like i'm stuck in this city doesn't help. I know it's the sensible thing to stay here because i have a steady income, and that means that my medium-to-long-term goal (self-funding an MA) is doable if i stay here for another year, but i only have one friend i would count as close enough to call a "real" friend here, and she's moving to Wales at the end of July, and i don't have *any* friends in this city who are within 10 years of my age (which isn't exactly as young as i'd like it to be, either... being 27 is a reminder of just how many years i feel like i've "wasted" in terms of being without either a partner or a solid, stable social life).

I do have good friends close to my own age in other cities, but it feels like an uphill struggle keeping in touch with them, and i can't help thinking that if i was living in one of those other cities, i'd actually have a social life that was vaguely coherent and i'd actually, y'know, just casually *do* stuff with friends, rather than having to put all the effort into chasing after them all the time (and possibly drive them away in the process). I'm really feeling the loss of my formerly-closest and longest-running close friend ever (the friend i wrote about here), who i've had to accept, after several months of trying and failing to get through to her by phone and a long and heartfelt letter to which she hasn't replied, is no longer a part of my life... which leaves me feeling very unpleasantly without continuity between my past and present.

It's also hard trying to disentangle sexual, intellectual and generally-social frustration from one another - they all seem to entwine together in this big gestalt at the moment. (The other negative of good weather is that the sexual frustration is amplified, both by the general improvement in my physical/sensory well-being and by there being more women in revealing clothing around, the latter of which also makes me feel like a hideously lecherous straightcismale privileged/entitled dickhead.)

Really wanting to spend some time just casually hanging out with someone right now. Still, the weather is ensuring that i can't feel my depression *too* deeply or consistently (it almost has an anti-depressant-like effect that way on me) - i just keep going up and down in a way that makes me feel very inconsistent and dissonant. (Ironically, right now feeling far better and less frustrated than when i started writing this, all of 20 minutes ago...)
Current Music: Nina Simone - I Want A Little Sugar In My Bowl
It was between me, beccaviola, foibey and possibly, but not definitely, tartful_dodger (or one of his previous identities), and it was about PA work and what it would look like in a less capitalist, more autonomous society. Want to use it for a proper blog post. For some reason cannot find it on the journals of any of the 3 people above, despite having gone back to earlier than it could possibly have been on all of them. (My guess is that it was probably around November/December, but i could be wrong...)
I've written and then scrapped several kiloword+ rants about this topic, and got more frustrated with my inability to write coherently and accurately-representatively-of-my-thoughts each time*, so i'm just going to say:

This is me.

This is one thing i am considering possibly doing about it.

Any thoughts or advice gratefully considered.

*I think i may be in one of those phases where i can express myself much more concisely and/or coherently in response to communication from other people, rather than starting from scratch trying to write about myself.

Bloody hell, i'm 27.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
10 February 2009 @ 12:24 am
Is fucking good.

I wholeheartedly recommend it to all autists, crips, transpeoples and freaks of any other description.

That is all, for tonight.
03 February 2009 @ 10:41 am
Woke up at about 4am last night with an incredible feeling of profound "wrongness". Took me a couple of minutes to realise that it was in fact physical pain, and once i realised that it was absolute agony.

Actually phoned NHS Direct and ended up arguing for ages with the woman on the phone line (and wasting £10 of phone credit) because she basically just kept parroting the line "go to A&E" and wouldn't a) tell me how long the wait to be seen was at my local A&E (2 1/2 miles away, and no way to get there but walk at that time of night) or b) listen to me trying to tell her that, based on the 4 or 5 times that i have had this set of symptoms before, the symptoms would be entirely or almost entirely gone by the time i got seen at A&E and therefore i would be treated as wasting hospital time. *Eventually* she did give me the number of the A&E reception, who weren't much more helpful but at least seemed to get the concept.

Walked out to high street to credit phone at cashpoint and buy painkillers (yay new 24 hour shop nearby!). Decided no way was i walking 2 1/2 miles in that temperature. Called A&E reception, asked them what waiting time was, was basically told it could be anything between 20 minutes and 3 hours. Symptoms were fading anyway, so took a couple more ibuprofen and went back to bed. A&E receptionist person *did* tell me about out of hours GP service, which i hadn't previously realised existed outside of remote countryside areas. (Although for that i would still need to know my GP's phone number... which i don't.)

So, symptoms: basically, a sort of hard lumpy swelling (which sort of feels like a twist/blockage in something... kind if like if a hosepipe gets twisted and swells up) above/behind my right testicle, accompanied by very intense pain. Has happened to me probably about 5 other times, with varying degrees of severity, first when i was about 16/17 (which was the worst and longest-lasting time... tho this one was possibly as bad in intensity, if not as long in duration). Lasts about 3-4 hours. The testicle remains tender and slightly painful to the touch for a day or so afterwards, but the swelling completely vanishes. Ibuprofen actually has a fairly quick and noticeable effect on it, suggesting it might be inflammatory in nature.

The problem with it in terms of seeing doctors is that it's gone - completely asymptomatic - by the time i can get to one. With my record of having been as good as told by several GPs that all my physical issues are psychosomatic and i am a hypochondriac (which couldn't be further from the truth actually, given my extreme *fear* of doctors and hospitals), i very strongly think that if i went to a GP about this while presenting no symptoms i would be treated as a timewaster/Baron Munchausen/taking the piss... especially with the prurient snigger factor of testicles. I am sort of worried about it tho...

Any suggestions?
Current Mood: draineddrained
02 February 2009 @ 11:56 pm
i want to fall backwards with you into infinite black dub oceans and chant down every downpressor with footfalls like the agony and ecstasy of the creation and destruction of universes

i want to walk with you in the fields and over the hills and under the blue shimmering sky in the sweet pure spirit of summer of free love of peace and understanding

i want to lie in your arms and listen to antony hegarty and tracy chapman and sinead o'connor and i want us to cry cleansing tears together, from jerusalem to judah,

and i want your whip upon my back and your fists in my face in the gritty sweaty undergrowth and in the grinding and the pounding and the blazing and the darkness, i want us to be fucked off our faces together.

and out of the cold and the dark i want us to rise and feel the heavens quake before our light like a mountain
16 January 2009 @ 02:33 pm

"Swans fight it out in cathedral test"

If i didn't know that the Daily Telegraph was a real (and generally quite conservative/right-wing) paper, i would have thought that swan story was an entirely made up, slightly-subtler-than-the-Onion parody of British Tory racism...

Those nasty, vicious, "dirty fighting", immigrant BLACK swans, threatening our native British WHITE swans... and if they win, the CATHEDRAL will FALL DOWN!!!!1!!!

And we don't even know how they got into the country! They could be ILLEGALS! And, even worse, we're "prevented by law from intervening"! It's Political Correctness... gone MAD!!!!11!!!


(Incidentally, i'm sure the "prevented by law from intervening" bit is false - Australian black swans, as a non-native species, would not be protected under any UK wildlife law, and i'm sure it would be perfectly legal to capture them and take them into captivity, say at a local zoo or bird sanctuary. And i'd be willing to bet that the "cathedral will fall down" legend is a load of old cobblers...)