This weather should be making me feel really good. Instead, it's giving me wildly dissonant mood swings between the (real, but ultimately superficial) physical/sensory good feeling induced by the weather and huge heaps of frustration and isolation because i feel like i don't have anyone to share it with.
Feeling like i'm stuck in this city doesn't help. I know it's the sensible thing to stay here because i have a steady income, and that means that my medium-to-long-term goal (self-funding an MA) is doable if i stay here for another year, but i only have one friend i would count as close enough to call a "real" friend here, and she's moving to Wales at the end of July, and i don't have *any* friends in this city who are within 10 years of my age (which isn't exactly as young as i'd like it to be, either... being 27 is a reminder of just how many years i feel like i've "wasted" in terms of being without either a partner or a solid, stable social life).
I do have good friends close to my own age in other cities, but it feels like an uphill struggle keeping in touch with them, and i can't help thinking that if i was living in one of those other cities, i'd actually have a social life that was vaguely coherent and i'd actually, y'know, just casually *do* stuff with friends, rather than having to put all the effort into chasing after them all the time (and possibly drive them away in the process). I'm really feeling the loss of my formerly-closest and longest-running close friend ever (the friend i wrote about here
), who i've had to accept, after several months of trying and failing to get through to her by phone and a long and heartfelt letter to which she hasn't replied, is no longer a part of my life... which leaves me feeling very unpleasantly without continuity between my past and present.
It's also hard trying to disentangle sexual, intellectual and generally-social frustration from one another - they all seem to entwine together in this big gestalt at the moment. (The other negative of good weather is that the sexual frustration is amplified, both by the general improvement in my physical/sensory well-being and by there being more women in revealing clothing around, the latter of which also makes me feel like a hideously lecherous straightcismale privileged/entitled dickhead.)
Really wanting to spend some time just casually hanging out with someone right now. Still, the weather is ensuring that i can't feel my depression *too* deeply or consistently (it almost has an anti-depressant-like effect that way on me) - i just keep going up and down in a way that makes me feel very inconsistent and dissonant. (Ironically, right now feeling far better and less frustrated than when i started writing this, all of 20 minutes ago...)